יום שבת, מרץ 31, 2007

Desperatley Seeking Shabbat

I am back in Israel for six months now, I arrived two days before Rosh Hahshana, and now just before Pessach it feels like a good time for some reflection. I am quite happy with most of things, but there is one thing I feel sort ashamed of saddened by and I am willing to change it. I don't like Shabbat anymore. Don`t get me wrong - its not to do with the Do`s and Don`ts, Which I am fine with, its more about the social, communal aspect of Shabbat.
I used to love Shabbat in South Woodford, Shul, the long meals, Seudah, seeing everyone. I loved Shabbat in East Finchley - guests coming for lunch after shul and staying till Havdalah - playing Set and arguing about Veganizm or Israel. Or with my dear friends A, S,& M just chilling, relaxing and getting all the love and support I need.
And here - I don`t feel I found my community yet. I have been to few shuls around, but nothing clicked. I show up people are not friendly to new comers the way they are in London, surly not friendly as WWS!
I have friends, I invite people, but its not the same.
I shared my feelings with M, who came back after spending two years in the Big Apple. She understands. We recreated our lives, its much harder returning then leaving. Not everything is perfect. Its easy to understand, its hard to accept.
Its hard to build a different experience of Shabbat, mostly as I desperately need and seek for the old good English Shabbat. (It might all be due to lack of chopped liver and a copy of the JC).

Specially when its has to do with a day - or rather a concept I fully believe in and identify myself with. I am still trying. I have few more shuls on my list.

What do you think?

יום שני, מרץ 26, 2007


This is dedicated to my Taki team in London. You know who you are.
Its highly addictive, and in Hebrew!
Retail therpy was never more sussceful:
4 CD`s - 2 for myself(Ehud Banai: live in concert - its actually 3 cd`s!) , 2 as presents
1 pair of red shoes (beautiful)
2 rings (my husband will have to pay me back, at least for one of them . I will ask him to do so after the honeymoon. Must keep the recipt)
Some more lovely things.
The big news - I didnt buy any books. not even a slim poetry book.
Therapy indeed.
My lovely friend SZW gave me few magazines, she claims they were left at her flat, its fine. No need to feel ashamed.
In on of them there was an article about slowing down. When I saw the title I thought to myself - sure, another typically British manifesto calling women to quit their career and stay at home. No. It was more about me. About taking to many responsibilities, not resting, not taking vacation not having time for myself.
Reading it I realized the kind of Jobs I used to choose in the past were perfect, and so wrong for me. 25 hours a day responsibility to the Jewish People. Being in Charge of others working in small cities in the Former Soviet Union. No connection to what`s going on around me, near me. focusing on far and general issues.
When I am asked about London I keep saying London was good to me. Part of it its because I had no where to run away to. I had my community and plenty of work, don`t get me wrong, but I had to face myself.

One of my mentors bought me a book when I left to London its was called - when every thing falls apart, it was about how to reconstruct your life. It had a chapter about being alone and being lonely, about the difference between the two. encouraging the reader to confront being alone, not by falling into over alcohol, food, drugs or sex. It was a great lesson for life. Accepting being alone allowed me to breathe, to think, to realize what I need and what I want.

It made me understand my attraction to jobs that make you lose stability.
Now I realize it`s not enough. To gain some tranquility in life, that will allow me to write from a more accurate place, I have to arrange my life in a different way.

The only question is How.

יום רביעי, מרץ 21, 2007

Went out with this guy who told me that ALL the girls forget to lock his car door after he gives them a lift.
He kindly added that ALL British girls don`t look good, and they don`t know how to dress.
Thought you, ALL the British girls, should be aware of this, and please don`t forget to double lock YOUR door.

Poem for the week - Billy Collins

Introduction To Poetry

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.
If I dont write, it`s because it hurts.

יום רביעי, מרץ 14, 2007

I asked my professor if he knows of any good translations of Sharon Olds poetry to Hebrew. He said there are none really, only few are transalated. He suggested me to translate her. He would mentor my work and help me get it published. Quite exciting.
So here is a poem I working on now.

by Sharon Olds

Brushing out our daughter’s brown
silken hair before the mirror
I see the grey gleaming on my head,
the silver-haired servant behind her. Why is it
just as we begin to go
they begin to arrive, the fold in my neck
clarifying as the fine bones of her
hips sharpen? As my skin shows
its dry pitting, she opens like a moist
precise flower on the tip of a cactus;
as my last chances to bear a child
are falling through my body, the duds among them,
her full purse of eggs, round and
firm as hard-boiled yolks, is about
to snap its clasp. I brush her tangled
fragrant hair at bedtime. It’s an old
story—the oldest we have on our planet—
the story of replacement.
So the storm is here. It rained in the centre opf Israel since early morning, and here in Jerusalem 20 minute ago. We are promised snow to morrow morning. This all suits my mood I am still too weak, too tired and really coldnt care less.
Last night I had thought about going to uni, thanks g-d I gave that up.

יום שלישי, מרץ 13, 2007

פחד אילה תוקף ומרדימך כבאחת תכף יתקוף הנחש וסכין המנתחים תונף החתך יהיה פשוט אודם בטן יתגולל כלי הדם לא יפגעו המנתחים ינועו בבטחה עד שימצאוהו ויעקרוהו מתוכך. גוש גוף דם נוזל בטון יפונה ממך ומעיין בך ינבע ואת תשתחררי מכל הכבלים שליפפוך ירחים רבים וכאיילה תקפצי מעל ההרים. כל שנותר לך הוא לקשור את סוס הספק
וכמצוות הלב: להאמין.

Notes on Freud's theory of femininity

Don't like it. really.
I read it, now need to write about it, and all I can say is not very deep or intellectual, I just dislike it.
He might say its because I am trapped in some kind of a complex, I cannot think properly or experience life properly - properly means as a man, of course.
Not my cup of tea or type of man.

Not for Vegans

The best Shawarma on earth can be found in Jerusalem, on Ben Zakai st. it Called HaShamen - the Fat One, for a reason.
Its five minutes walk from Emek or Katamon, worth every step.
Still not well. I really want to feel better tomorrow so I can go to uni. Am I a complete geek or what?

יום ראשון, מרץ 11, 2007

1st blog birthday

Its my first Blog Birth Day. 12 March 2006 was the day I decided to stop lurking and to start producing my own blog. I felt at the time I need a place of my own, not as a communal person, not as an Israeli, just as myself. A free space for me to voice my thoughts and to share my feelings. Not to be alone. I believe words have a physical power. I can read poetry and find tears in my eyes. I read some pieces by David Grossman or Nicole Kraus and my heart aches. Its a physical phenomena, triggered by words. Some words have healing powers, those I need the most.

It was a challenging year, deciding, and deciding not to leave London, but then leaving, Two nephews were born, I was accepted to my Masters programme, I visited NY, Amsterdam and Suffolk spent few days in Brighton. Another book has been published, Returning to Israel, finding where to live, work, trying to establish some kind of (social) life, and some health issues, which PG will be OK.

Reflecting back, I think I face the same issues I faced in the last few years, i.e. -work&life balance, relationships, the usual stuff. The main difference is I am more confident. Some of it due to Living independently in London, some us about my writing, and some of it is because of this blog. I have a place in the world, of my own, with no noise, no intruders (my stalker is gone!!!), and I am in control.

Few people to thank: Leah for being a role model, Sashinka for being an inspiration, Sam for believing in my ability to write. And to you, my readers. If you joined me during the fairies debate, comments about my hair, about my writing, escorted me in my first days back in Israel, I thank each one of you.
I am under the weather. Not well. Cold.Hot. Sneazing. Flu. Its called the Flu.

יום שישי, מרץ 09, 2007

Just came back from the Shuk, was great. Nice olive, chease, meat, flowers. All a girl needs. Met there with my friend szw, and I sais something about the articles I need to read for my Feminizm course, She wisely pointed out:
Isnt enough that men rule us, now we have to read about it?
Its very annoying. I cannot find few books I need. I know I have them, or HAD them.
I just went through all my books and discovered I need a new method of order and more shelves. Its endless, the more space there is for new books the quickest its fulled. I usually lend books, never comfortable about it. I have on my shelf a special space for books I must return.
You see, I promised myself not to spend money as my salary is not in pounds anymore. So I am not buying the black shoes I need for three months. But at the same time I bought more then ten books.

And maybe that`s the reason for my anger, I invest a lot of money in my books, and care and thought.
So where on earth are:

A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf
Making Cocoa for Kingsley Amis by Wendy Cope
סמרטוטים רכים- אדמיאל קוסמן

So please if you have them, find a way to return them to me.

יום שלישי, מרץ 06, 2007

My seven years old nephew told me earlier this evening that I am an excellant educator.
(He complained he cannot read, I suggested he should circle all the letters he recognizes.)

His words were the best compliment I ever recived.

Everybody is a little bit...

For the first time in my academic history, I am the only women in class. never happened before, not in Philosophy, neither in Hebrew Literature. Its strange. Its different.
Its a course about the year 1986, and the class composes:
1 professor (male)
2 Students (one of each gender)
1 free listener (male).
So, I am a minority. racio 1 from 4.
We read a piece written by Amos Oz, from his early days. He asked few questions, I gave few answers.
And then the professor (who is 52 years of age, very liberal, on the left with a very trendy black sports car - you get the picture,right?) says the following to me:
For a women you are quite clever. Hmm.


I think I am very clever as a human being. Nothing to do with my gender.
Or maybe it has everything to do with my gender. I wonder.

יום שני, מרץ 05, 2007

12th Adar, Passing by in Hertzelia

In two days, by Wednesday morning I am supposed to present a forty (!!!) pages long article about the Theory of Sexual Politics.
I don't know much about it, i cannot fake it. I need to read it thoroughly. Not easy. The background I have in Philosophy, Literature and Judaism usually saved me from working TOO hard as I had a vague idea. Not anymore, not anymore.
If anyone of you, my dear readers can help, please let me know, specially if you are a man, or you identify yourself as a man, or as a women, gender wise, or both, or neither. I mean feel free to be a man, or women, femnine or muscular, its really fine with me. whatever, no pressure.
Purim is the closest thing to a Bank Holiday we have here. Few days off school and work, good music, everyone is happy. Think about it.
I just had the best Purim night I had in ages. After Megila with M`s family, and a festive dinner with them, I decided to go back home and have a chilled night in, a treat a didnt have for ages, and will not have in the forseen future.
I watched 4 episodes from Grey`s Anatomy season one, with a nice glass of Southern Comfort on ice, Just for the Mitzva.
So all my friends went to party, some to cool parties, some to after parties parties, but you know what? I feel good,as I havent felt for a long time.


You might call me shallow or superficial, and you are probably right doing so, but my new hair cut makes me feel better about myself. And its a lot now days.

יום חמישי, מרץ 01, 2007

So the new semester started, its seems great. A course about poetry and feminism, Historiography of Israeli Literature, a course about the books published in Israel on the year 1986 (too many of them, if you ask me), anew writing workshop that seems good. Very exciting.
I might ditch a course that involves reading the New Testament. It just seems wrong to me. PersonallyI should invest more time reading the bible and doing some learning, and you know what? I am willing to take the chance my poetry might be dull and trashy, if that`s what it takes.