My lovely friend SZW gave me few magazines, she claims they were left at her flat, its fine. No need to feel ashamed.
In on of them there was an article about slowing down. When I saw the title I thought to myself - sure, another typically British manifesto calling women to quit their career and stay at home. No. It was more about me. About taking to many responsibilities, not resting, not taking vacation not having time for myself.
Reading it I realized the kind of Jobs I used to choose in the past were perfect, and so wrong for me. 25 hours a day responsibility to the Jewish People. Being in Charge of others working in small cities in the Former Soviet Union. No connection to what`s going on around me, near me. focusing on far and general issues.
When I am asked about London I keep saying London was good to me. Part of it its because I had no where to run away to. I had my community and plenty of work, don`t get me wrong, but I had to face myself.

One of my mentors bought me a book when I left to London its was called - when every thing falls apart, it was about how to reconstruct your life. It had a chapter about being alone and being lonely, about the difference between the two. encouraging the reader to confront being alone, not by falling into over alcohol, food, drugs or sex. It was a great lesson for life. Accepting being alone allowed me to breathe, to think, to realize what I need and what I want.

It made me understand my attraction to jobs that make you lose stability.
Now I realize it`s not enough. To gain some tranquility in life, that will allow me to write from a more accurate place, I have to arrange my life in a different way.

The only question is How.